Saturday, July 31, 2010

Lies, Lies, All Lies

I think that one of the things I hate the MOST is being made a fool of. The easiest way for that to happen is for me to trust and then be proven wrong.

I am realizing more and more every day that I am a sucker. I've trusted and believed things that I should have never taken for what they seemed.

I'm not going to say that none of it was real, I hope it was real. I have to tell my heart that at least SOME of it was real; but honestly, the more I find out, the more I look at in retrospect, the more things pan out day to day.... the more I realize that I turned a blind eye, and incredibly trusting heart, to wayyyy too much.

I'm scared that this will taint me forever. I'm scared that I won't open my heart up again. I'm worried that I will never trust or believe again.

Yet, I know myself. I know that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I know that I jump in with both feet. I know that I am an open book. I'm hoping that even though this is what got me into trouble in the first place, it will be my saving grace in the end. I'm hoping that since I've been so far on one end of the spectrum that even if I do become more timid than before, more guarded, less trusting.... that it still won't send me off the deep end in the other direction.

One can only hope.

As for now, I'm mad at myself for allowing myself to be so taken advantage of. I'm mad at myself for being so trusting, after many red flags.

Oh, and I'm also mad at him.... mad and incredibly disappointed. What makes a person not care about someone after being with them for so long, sharing their life with them. What kind of person can allow themself to screw someone over so badly? Lie to someone that they once claimed to care so deeply about? I'm stumped. It makes me sick to my stomach.


Angie said...

I, too, feel like I've played the fool. And I, too, hope that some of it was real- but it doesn't seem possible, does it? One thing I'm grateful for is that there are people out there that are worth trusting, even though it may take us longer to jump in to the pool of love and trust the next time around.
Disappointed definitely sums it all up.

becky said...

Wow I haven't been on my blog much lately. It sounds like you have been in a world of hurt and huge stressful changes. I am sorry things didn't work out the way you had planned or the way that you wanted to. My friend when she was telling her kids that she and her parents were getting a divorce she started by "some days are good and on those days you get a cookie. Today is not a cookie day" Remember there are those days that you "get a cookie" remember those moments and that they can happen. don't let a guy determine how you feel. know that I feel for you and hope that you can find peace with the situation soon.

guardian98 said...

We live and if we really have our head in the game, we learn. Life will always have some "hard" in it and you are in the middle of it right now, for sure! You have so many good friends that love you! You have always made your life a good one and you are already on a good road to getting on with the good life that you used to have. You will get through it, but not without loneliness and sadness. This is just a slice of life's pie, albeit a bitter slice. Let's just make sure it stays a skinny slice! I love you!