I think that one of the things I hate the MOST is being made a fool of. The easiest way for that to happen is for me to trust and then be proven wrong.
I am realizing more and more every day that I am a sucker. I've trusted and believed things that I should have never taken for what they seemed.
I'm not going to say that none of it was real, I hope it was real. I have to tell my heart that at least SOME of it was real; but honestly, the more I find out, the more I look at in retrospect, the more things pan out day to day.... the more I realize that I turned a blind eye, and incredibly trusting heart, to wayyyy too much.
I'm scared that this will taint me forever. I'm scared that I won't open my heart up again. I'm worried that I will never trust or believe again.
Yet, I know myself. I know that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I know that I jump in with both feet. I know that I am an open book. I'm hoping that even though this is what got me into trouble in the first place, it will be my saving grace in the end. I'm hoping that since I've been so far on one end of the spectrum that even if I do become more timid than before, more guarded, less trusting.... that it still won't send me off the deep end in the other direction.
One can only hope.
As for now, I'm mad at myself for allowing myself to be so taken advantage of. I'm mad at myself for being so trusting, after many red flags.
Oh, and I'm also mad at him.... mad and incredibly disappointed. What makes a person not care about someone after being with them for so long, sharing their life with them. What kind of person can allow themself to screw someone over so badly? Lie to someone that they once claimed to care so deeply about? I'm stumped. It makes me sick to my stomach.
BLUEBERRY JELLO SALAD
16 hours ago