It's 1:37am, and there is nothing on TV. The dogs and I are snuggled on the couch catching up on lovins.... and I can't sleep.
This happens sometimes. It comes in waves, and lately it's been double-overhead.
I try to sleep when I think I'm ready.... I head to bed, leave my phone alone and meditate. I try to make myself comfortable and create a quiet place in my home.... sometimes it works, and sometimes I lay there for hours. Awake.
I've learned that after a few hours it's better to just get up and do something productive than lay there and get frustrated.
So I'm awake, and trying to process through some things....
1. Do I race again this year? I've loved racing the past two years. I've come a long way and actually hit a few podiums last year, but training takes a LOT of time and dedication. And racing takes a lot of time and money during the summer. I have decided that this summer I want to explore more. I haven't explored in years, and I want that to change this year..... so do I have the time and energy to do both? I don't want to give up a camping trip to be in town for a race..... And then the whole question of if my knee will hold up to run training or not. I know I'm not going to give up crossfit, so now we are talking about workouts twice a day. Do I have the motivation for this? I might just want to go camping instead.....
2. What I want to do around the house this year. This warm weather is getting to me... I'm ready to repaint the porch, add in raspberries and blueberries on the back fence, trim up the tree, build a bar to cover the AC unit, redo the flooring on the back deck, build and start the greenhouse, add onto the raised beds.... my list is growing and I want to get started! But I just saw on the third re-run of tonight's news that snow is coming in hard on Wednesday and staying all week, so looks like I have plenty of time to make my list.
3. Am I doing enough to build my career? I have had some fun things happening lately.... but should I be pushing it more? I am pretty much just letting things come to me as the world sees fit, but maybe I should pursue it a bit more aggressively. There are always feelings of self-doubt, especially after midnight.... Maybe that is why it's so hard to be awake at this hour. You never feel good enough.
And as soon as you start to doubt yourself that creeps into everything... and all the sudden you aren't smart enough, pretty enough, successful enough, lovable enough, skinny enough.... and that is when it's time to get up and do something productive, because laying in bed in that state of mind will ruin you quick.
So here I am, Ike laying on my feet, Porter snuggled at my hip. Drinking warm tea, reruns of the news on TV, and typing to you guys....
I have on only one light, my Moroccan lantern, and it's colorful glow makes me grateful for my house, my haven. I am thankful for the warmth and safety this house provides, not just physically, but emotionally. I am safe here. I feel comfortable here. I am content here... and that is important. That is crucial.
Thanks for listening, thanks for supporting. Thank you for your positive energy that you send me through this crazy, complicated, wonderful world. These late nights can get askew, but it is also in these nights that I can open up and know I am supported.
Love you all, I hope you are sleeping tight.... and hopefully I can join you sometime soon.
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