You can't make this #$%& up!

Last week I had a First Date.

It went something like this.....

We meet up at a little bar downtown, we sit and talk and drink for a couple hours. Things are going well. We are having fun.

All the sudden this girl shows up at the back of my bar stool. She says hi while she slurs and sways back and forth. I say hello. She introduces herself and I introduce myself. I introduce the guy I'm with.... She looks at him, looks at me, looks at him, looks at me, then looks at him and cries, "SHE'S STRAIGHT!!!" She proceeds to tell me that I'm beautiful and that she has been watching me all night (apparently I was facing her and she was somewhere in the expanses of the bar behind my date). She thought we, "had something." I told her that I was straight, but she seemed like a nice girl (while trying to hold down my giggles). My date tried to feed me to the bears (so to speak), but I kicked him nicely in the shins and turned her down once again. She invited me out for a smoke, I gently told her I don't smoke. She stuck her lower lip out and went outside....

About five minutes pass and she's back! She tries again, tells me she missed me. Tell's my date that he's one hell of a lucky guy (I agreed with that part...) LOL. I'm not quite sure how it happened but all the sudden her hand is cupping my breast and her other hand is cupping my date's. I looked at my date and said, "How do you feel about the fact that we are both getting groped on our first date and we aren't even touching each other?!?!" She proceeds to tell us that I have him beat in the size department, but he has better nipples! (note: she wasn't even close to my nipple, but I wasn't going to point that out...). She asked again if I wanted to join her for a drink, I politely declined, again.... She then points out that she has never been shot down six times in one night before -- apparently I was the first to turn her down repeatedly. Sorry to disappoint sweetheart!! She told us not to laugh too hard when she walked away, and then with about 70 bazillion hugs goodbye she left.

Well, we laughed, and stayed and  talked a bit more, then after last call we decided to call it a night.

We walked outside and were talking on the sidewalk (there may or may not have been slight canoodling).

We were approached by a very tall, dark haired man who asked if he could ask us a "rather random question". We both giggled and almost simultaneously said, "It's been a night for that sort of thing! Whatcha got?"

He then said something along the lines of, "I'm visiting and don't know the area. Do you know where I could smoke a bowl??"

Holy crap, really?? I threw my hands in the air and said, "I have nooo clue! Dustin?" My date then agrees that he doesn't know either... he's fairly new to the area as well....

Well, this tall stranger wasn't done there. He then asks if we are married, I say "no". He asks if we are almost married, my date says, "no." I then mention... "It's our first date." He raises an eyebrow and says, "Well.... I'm a facilitator of love...." and opens his wallet and hands my date a card. I thought it was a business card, until he follows up with, "I'm staying at the Radisson down the street and won't be headed back there tonight. Why don't you two take advantage of the opportunity and go, um... take care of things."

I bust up laughing, is this guy for real? My date says, "Do we look like we need a room?" I realize an important fact and ask, "Isn't your stuff in there?" He says, "Oh, yeah.... well, just don't touch anything, OK?" at which point he leans over to my date and loudly whispers, "Except, there is a Viagra on the counter, you can have it if you want, Dude."

Well, luckily some guy behind us starts yelling, a small melee breaks out and we leave the room key on the fire hydrant and escape....

We make it across the street to my car, talk some more, say our good byes (no details here, sorry. lol)

I leave for home while looking at the clock and realizing how early work is going to come in the morning. Before I know it there are red and blue lights behind me and I get pulled over for speeding.

I text my date saying, "You know that lead foot I told you about? Yeah, I'm pulled over."

I text my parents (and my other safety-net friend) saying, "Sorry, my phone died. I'm good, headed home... except I'm pulled over."

I get a text back from my date saying, "Just act cool. You ok? I'm sitting in my car trying to sober up a bit."

I get a text back from my parents saying, "Are you ok? For speeding? Have you been drinking? Is he giving you a ticket? OMG, are you ok?"

I get about a million more from my parents making sure I'm not getting arrested for a DUI.



I get a text back from my safety-net friend saying, "For speeding... I hope. Are you ok?"

I text them all back, "Totally ok, yes for speeding. I'm COMPLETELY sober, only had half a beer in four hours."

I text my date back, "Need me to come get you?"

I get a ticket, the ass-hole officer says, "I hope you had a good date. Here's your ticket. Have a better night."

Thanks.

I get back on the road, I'm three minutes from home and get a text message from my date, "A ride would be awesome."

I flip a U-turn and head back down to the bar. Pick him up and once again head for home. (we ironically live in the same neighborhood).

I drop him off, again say our goodbye's (again, no details... perv. LOL).

I finally make it home at 2:45 am. I collect my dog and crawl in my freezing cold bed. I set my alarm for 3 hours later and fall asleep.

5:45am -- alarm goes off. Even my puppy Porter let out an audible groan. Yes, Buddy. This morning came early... I know..........

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Update: Fun date, nice guy... not relationship material. Sorry to disappoint.