Lies, Lies, All Lies

I think that one of the things I hate the MOST is being made a fool of. The easiest way for that to happen is for me to trust and then be proven wrong.

I am realizing more and more every day that I am a sucker. I've trusted and believed things that I should have never taken for what they seemed.

I'm not going to say that none of it was real, I hope it was real. I have to tell my heart that at least SOME of it was real; but honestly, the more I find out, the more I look at in retrospect, the more things pan out day to day.... the more I realize that I turned a blind eye, and incredibly trusting heart, to wayyyy too much.

I'm scared that this will taint me forever. I'm scared that I won't open my heart up again. I'm worried that I will never trust or believe again.

Yet, I know myself. I know that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I know that I jump in with both feet. I know that I am an open book. I'm hoping that even though this is what got me into trouble in the first place, it will be my saving grace in the end. I'm hoping that since I've been so far on one end of the spectrum that even if I do become more timid than before, more guarded, less trusting.... that it still won't send me off the deep end in the other direction.

One can only hope.

As for now, I'm mad at myself for allowing myself to be so taken advantage of. I'm mad at myself for being so trusting, after many red flags.

Oh, and I'm also mad at him.... mad and incredibly disappointed. What makes a person not care about someone after being with them for so long, sharing their life with them. What kind of person can allow themself to screw someone over so badly? Lie to someone that they once claimed to care so deeply about? I'm stumped. It makes me sick to my stomach.

Its amazing what a sticker can do

On Monday Owen, Emily and I started the P90X program. I have done workouts from it in the past... but this time it's for real, six days a week for 13 weeks.

We made attendance charts and everything. It's amazing how motivated I am by being able to put a sticker down for the day! I get one sticker for my workout and one for meeting my caloric goal for the day.... So far I haven't missed one!

I will admit, it's nice to have the challenge and being accountable to Owen and Em as well. I don't want my row of stickers to fall behind!!!

Today we finished our third day; honestly, I'm having trouble walking. I already feel great tho. I swear to you that I already feel slimmer and sleeker. hahaha

I should have started this workout thing awhile ago. I took a big break while Sam and I were together and I seemed to have forgotten the impact the endorphins have. These things rock!

When life got hard I should have started working out immediately.... but I'm glad at least I started now! I've been struggling with staying up beat, but the last couple days have been a lot easier. I have a better outlook on things and feel like it will all be ok, even if the mud drags on forever.

In a nut shell.... I'm loving it! Even if I can't walk or get out of bed without grunting and groaning!

I'm afraid it's becoming a habit

It happened again last night.

I couldn't sleep, no matter what I did... I finally fell asleep about 2:30 am

AND WOKE UP AROUND 2:45 AM and couldn't get back to sleep for the life of me.

It honestly felt like a panic attack was coming on. I've never had one before, but I would imagine that's what it felt like. My chest was getting heavy, I was sweating, I couldn't get comfortable. I was starting to freak out... and all because I couldn't sleep?? Come on, Sara.... pull yourself together.

So I did it again. I grabbed my pillow and quilt and headed outside, straight to my hammock.

I slept like a ROCK. Didn't wake up until the neighbor went to work this morning at 7:30 am.

I'm afraid this is becoming a habit.

Am I going to be one of those crazy ladies you see in the movies? Her husband wakes up in the middle of the night to find her missing... searches the house and finds her asleep in the back yard in her hammock?? Oh geez... just the thought of it....

Quote of the night....

I'm reading a book, nice and superficial, an enjoyable read....

It just happens to be about a woman finding herself again after finding her life imploading, sound familiar??? ;)

I just read this paragraph and honestly, I think she stole it from my journal.

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascent to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been victim of my own optimism."

So there ya have it, I couldn't agree more..... I have been victim of my own optimism.

Sleeping under the stars

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night. I had only been asleep about two hours and I woke up, wide awake, almost jolted awake.

I'm grateful that I can't remember why I woke up so rapidly. Lately the dreams have been awful, my sleeping abilities even worse.

I tried everything I could to ease my body back to relaxation. I ran a cold washrag over my body, I got a drink, I rearranged my pillows. Still, none of it worked.

Then I instinctually did something I've never done before.

I grabbed my favorite quilt, a pillow, marched out the back door and crawled into my hammock.

It was there that I slept soundly ALL night long, except for the few times I woke up to a cold dog nose on my arm. haha.

I was suprised that I was so comfortable sleeping outside the house, exposed to the elements and anything else that decided to present itself in the back yard. But honestly, it was splendid.

Somehow my body knew just what I needed. As a side note, I was able to wake myself up and make it back inside before the sprinklers came on. :)

Alone

Last night I found myself freshly showered, the sharp tingle on my skin from a day in the sun. Sitting on my back deck with the cool summer-night breeze blowing in the dark shadows of the yard. The dogs were playing, my bowl of soup and glass of chocolate milk were more than fulfilling my hunger as I enjoyed a book page by page by page.

I had plans, I had offers for night activities ... but I passed them up and enjoyed my time at home. Alone.

Being alone has been plentiful lately. It's something that came back into my life one horrific night, completely against my will. My life that I loved was ripped from my hands. My home was emptied and now here I am, alone... figuring out what life holds for me and where my next steps should take me.

Last night for the first time I embraced it. It's been difficult to accept that life has changed so dramatically. I've spent my days trying to focus on me, spending time with people that love ME, support ME and care about ME.

I've laughed, cried, flirted and cleaned.

Last night I slept upside down in my bed, simply because the fan caressed my skin more effectively from that angle.

It's a different life. A month can change a lot.

Here I am. Working on me, loving me and surrounding myself with things that fulfill me.

Today.... I've already finished half of my book. BBQ with family and friends tonight. Hopefully buying concert tickets for tomorrow.

Life is good, it has to be. I refuse to progress through it any other way.